addicted to
i'm not here to win
i'm here to leave a legacy
it's the passion that drives you
endorphins
pain
exhaustion
chasing this insane dream
perfection
tagboard ;
guestbook
staying in school till late to mug was nice. though not as productive as i'd liked (this will change, mark my words), but it was pleasant. especially when everyone had left and the cool night breeze was blowing in my face. just me and nuclear physics having our one-on-one time. that's really what i like about studying.... space to yourself. quiet. seclusion. i don't know what other words i could use to describe it. but somehow, being left to listen to dozens of thoughts sparking off in my head gives me some sort of adrenaline rush. then again overload of this is bad cos i end up locking my thoughts up inside and not feeling like interacting with other people. didn't know what to say when the juniors asked me why i am "always mugging at the class bench when the rest of the class is at the canteen". haha. (eh but i really beg to differ... it's not alwayssss. esp so more recently when i started slacking.)
i want to do well so badly. cos i'm sick.. of being. some lousy failure. sick of falling time after time after time. something nobody would understand, not in a million years. i guess that's always been my source of motivation- wanting to prove myself so badly. sadly this motivation disappears when i lose my desire to prove myself and instead decide to wallow in self-pity and submit to my inadequacy.
chem and gp results (and phys mcq test . argh) were really disappointing (this is an understatement). it's like looking at all my flaws, laid out and raw, glaring at me and screaming "guess what? you are more stupid than you think you are". i hate how that feels. who would enjoy it anyway? it's results like those that make me feel like other improvements were just lucky and like i haven't made any improvement at all.
sigh.
gr anyway, last night i had some really weird dream that i pulled out all my hair cos i was so stressed and i ended up having this large bald spot on my head.
gah. i know they're not happy with those crappy results but hearing them pick out my flaws really just makes me feel a hell of a lot worse. (i don't doubt their good intentions)
!!!!! for now, i'll just have to find solace in studying (and studying..and studying..and studying..and studying...)